Today really sucked for me emotionally.  I had several "Madeline Moments".  I feel like my grief is right on the surface again.  I hate this feeling and I hate that for the rest of my life people will know me as "Someone who lost a child". 

We had a very nice Father's Day.  Lyle and Caleb went to the cemetary to visit Madeline.  I have not been there in a while and I feel guilty.  I know visiting the cemetary is for my own peace of mind but I can't help but think that I am disappointing my daughter because she does not have any flowers.  I know that is silly.

We spent most of Father's Day with my parents.  My brother and his family were there as well.  I gave Lyle his coffee mug with Madeline's picture on it.  He has one of Caleb and I thought he needed one of his baby girl as well. 

Well evidently Madeline and God decided that this is not the month for me to get pregnant.  I am so afraid I will never get pregnant again and my son will not have any brothers or sisters on earth to play with.  I don't know why I worry.  I never had a problem getting pregnant before.  I just have to be patient.  I hate being patient. 

I think that any parent who loses a child should have an easy life after that.  Nothing should be hard.  We should have what we want when we want it.  Yeah, right!!

I am so happy to read about Jackson, Sofia, Audrey and Julia.  They are doing awesome!

Prayers to CDH families,

Kim

I am utterly disgusted by comments made on a morning radio show in California.  They were discussing stillbirths and how they think people are morbid because they take pictures of their dead babies.  They also said maybe they should just take them to a taxidermist and have them stuffed.

How stupid can people be?  Madeline was not stillborn however, my pictures of her are one of the only things I have to remember her.  These people who work at this radio station should be educated enough to know that they should not take on a topic they have no first hand knowledge of.

Enough about that.

I am furiously packing and preparing for our vacation.  We leave tomorrow for San Antonio.  Four glorious days of no work for my husband.  I am so excited.  So is Caleb.  Every morning this week when he has woken up he has asked me if it is time to go on vacation. 

I wonder about Madeline a lot.  I hope she knows how special she is to me and Lyle.  I also hope she is at the pearly gates to greet the other CDH angels.  If she has the personality of her daddy she will definitely make them feel right at home. 

I hope I am making Madeline proud.  I miss her so much.  I also hopoe that she is whispering in God's ear to help us make another baby.  I need to hold a baby in my arms that does not have to go home with his or her mommy and daddy.

Gotta get back to packing. 

Keep Jolee's parents and family in your prayers as they prepare for her memorial service on Friday.

Praying for all the CDH families,

Kim

Jolee Jean passed away yesterday at 18 days old.  Please keep her families in your prayers as they begin the grieving process for their little girl. 

Continue to pray for all the CDH babies and their families also.

 

Kim